Absence

For the handful of people following our progress, I'm sure my lack of posts has been frustrating.  Want to know the brutal truth?  Brain growing is filled with lots of ups and downs.  LOTS!  We are only partway through this journey, but I already know this will be worth it in the end.  But the day-to-day stuff can be very trying, both physically and emotionally.  I feel lonely and isolated much of the time.  People don't know how exactly to include us, since so much of life includes screen time and food that's outside of our dietary restrictions.  Plus, we're super busy so actually fitting anything extra in is really difficult right now, even if it's something we'd really like to do.

I have two younger kids who I worry are being neglected in this whole process.  It's hard to spread time evenly between children anyway, but with exercises three times a day, schoolwork, Brain Balance sessions, and the extra time required to shop and cook, my time is so limited.  The behavior of my younger kids slips and I wonder if it is developmentally appropriate, if they are reacting to this process, or if we are going to have to start exercises with the younger kids at some point because it seems we are part of the 38% that has a genetic predisposition to a brain imbalance (although environmental factors are always involved). 

I typed an entire post a couple weeks ago about some pretty rough days with Dylan, but didn't publish it.  He tends to be more reactive and impulsive in nature and those moments can be pretty big in a 10-year-old boy whose brain is going back through stages typical of a toddler.  I've struggled a lot with how much to share publicly because as much as I want to document this process, part of my job is to protect my children.  People can be very judgmental, quick to label, and slow to forget negative behavior.  Human nature is to remember the bad and forget the good.  After much pondering, I have chosen to turn to a smaller group for support during trying times rather than document the details for the rest of the world to scrutinize.  Suffice it to say, it has been very difficult dealing with the bad behavior element of the program.  And of course with two kids, even when one is having an awesome breakthrough, the other one may be struggling so much that it's hard to even want to celebrate the good.  A couple of times I've been on the verge of a complete breakdown.  I've needed help.  I've needed a break.  And yet the times when I most need a break, my kids are so difficult that I don't even dare ask.  It's an exhausting place to be!  Some moments I just don't want to be THE PERSON who has to deal with anything and everything when no one else can.  I don't want to be the only one who can calm a meltdown or talk things through with an explosive personality.  So...survival mode.  That's where I've been.  That, and the fact that I had to gear up to make it through Halloween and Thanksgiving, no easy task when your kids are gluten, dairy, soy and peanut free at the moment.  So a lot of extra time was spent coming up with activities we could do to take the focus off of food and to plan and prepare food that would allow my kids to still enjoy the holidays. 

To make matters worse, there are all sorts of folks with good intentions who insist on making sure you KNOW your child is acting up.  This has maybe been the most difficult part for me.  Rarely is a child JUST acting up at school or at church.  Usually the bad behavior is pretty widespread.  If it's relatively new or isolated behavior and you know there's a lot going on at the time, maybe, just maybe you can ignore it.  Maybe, just maybe, you can give me the benefit of the doubt and not assume I am the worst parent ever because I don't have four perfect children sporting their latest trophy, designer clothes, and sparkling smiles.  Yep, I know he/she is having a hard time listening and behaving, is talking back, and struggling to deal with life.  We all are right now!  Whether in the program or not, our family is experiencing this program together and it's taking its toll on everyone.  I know in general things look fine on the outside, but the Brain Balance program is pretty major.  I mean, really.  Kids often start this program with one or more major diagnoses: autism, asberger's disease, ADD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, dyslexia, dyscalcula, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder, auditory processing disorder, etc.  And when all is said and done, they may not even fall on the autism spectrum anymore, find many of their disabling symptoms have fallen away, or no longer qualify for an IEP because they have improved so much.  Imagine what that feels like.  Just imagine.  Years of developmental milestones that were never reached coming and going as if in fast forward mode as your brain attempts to catch up a lagging hemisphere, as well as get rid of retained primitive reflexes that cause all sorts of problems.  Yeah, it's life changing.  But it is NOT EASY!!  Nothing worthwhile ever is it seems.

Hopefully that helps explain the lack of posts.  No, I did not stop blogging.  No, we did not stop Brain Balance or fall off the gluten free, dairy free wagon over the holidays.  But yes, it's been a rough few weeks. 

After a post that was way too long and negative, I have some good news.  Wait for it.  Wait for it.  ;)  Dylan and Preston have their 3 month reassessment at Brain Balance tomorrow so we should have some official testing results to post within the week.  I am so excited....and nervous!  But mostly excited.  I know they have made progress and I can't wait to see how far they've come and also to get a feel for how much more work we have ahead of us.  I need a little boost in motivation right now and I know this will help.